Expectations and realities

If I've learned anything the past year and a half of being in college, it's that I shouldn't automatically assume the best of some people and that they have good intentions.  I've learned that I shouldn't be so quick to open up to people who I think are my friends. I've never really had trust issues, but some experiences that I've had with certain people this year have led me to start keeping people at a distance. I've always given people the benefit of the doubt, even if they don't deserve it.  I guess it's just my personality?

But something weird I've noticed is that sometimes I assume the worst of people and they actually turn out to be pretty cool once I get to know them.  I feel like a lot of people do this, and it just reiterates the whole 'don't judge a book by its cover' thing.



I don't know.  I just think it's weird how life works that way.  Expectations and disappointments. If you expect too much, you end up getting disappointed.  If you don't expect much at all, you end up being pleasantly surprised.

Expectations are usually different than reality.  The scene in 500 Days of Summer,  where they show one side as Tom's expectations of how his re-encounter with Summer is going to be, and they simultaneously show his reality on the other side has always stuck out to me so much because I feel like I can really relate to it.

But why is it that our expectations generally don't match up with our realities?

Acknowledgment

Ok is it really such a crime to want to be acknowledged once in a while? I feel like I put enough effort into being nice to people and I get barely anything in return.
A "how was your weekend?" or "how are you?" would be nice. Is that too much to ask?

Things that have been going through my mind lately

-I hate everything.

-I hate everyone.

-I hate myself.

-I fucking love food, I need to keep eating even though I’m not hungry.

-Holy shit I’m fat, I need to stop eating completely.

-I need to get my shit together.

-I have a million things to do for school. Not doing any of it until the last minute.

-I want to go home.

-I miss everybody at home, but I feel like they don’t miss me.

-Stop looking at me.

-Stop talking to me.

Oh hello there anxiety and depression what up.

If only you knew what goes on inside my head..

I'm convinced you came into my life for a reason.  Maybe you don't feel the same way I do, but there's just something about you.  I hate being in this situation.  I just really want to get to know you.  I wish I was carefree and had the balls to say something but I just really don't.  It would kill me to find out that you don't feel for me what I feel for you.

It's highly unlikely that you do, and I try so so hard not to get my hopes up but the hopeless romantic in me just won't let go.  That little voice in my head saying "maybe he does miss you and maybe he's wondering how you feel about him" contradicts my realistic voice saying "there's no way, you know this happens every time, just give up." Even though my realistic voice is predominant, that other voice can't seem to let go.

I know what's meant to be will be; but how many things aren't meant to be? If that makes any sense..
Whenever I've gotten into this situation and when it doesn't work out I'm always just like alright well I guess it wasn't meant to be...  But how many times can that happen? I'm honestly fucking tired of it.



Maybe I'm just over thinking everything.

The mind is a powerful thing

It honestly amazes me how the mind works.  Self-loathing is such a powerful thing and it takes a certain type of mindset to be good at it.  I know this from experience.

It's like a vicious cycle.  For me, one bad thing happens and everything turns to shit.  My main problem is mis-attribution.  For example, it's pretty much human nature to attribute something like a bad grade to the fact that the teacher sucks or they didn't teach you the material properly.  And I have been guilty of this.  But someone who thinks the way I do will start to attribute a bad grade to their convinced stupidity, which is what I find myself doing.

I could go on, but my point is that your mind is extremely powerful, and can convince you of anything. Good or bad..

Forever anxious

I'd like to start off by saying none of this is a cry for attention whatsoever.  It's just something I need to get off my chest to anyone who's willing to read.

Anyway, I would say I'm in a pretty dark place right now.  I don't quite know how to explain it, or if I even can.  I feel sad all the time, and when I'm doing something that I enjoy, it'll keep me somewhat happy for that amount of time but it's like that darkness is always following me.

I'm always just thinking.  Way too much.  My thoughts are jumbled in my head and I can't seem to get rid of them.  I could be the poster child for anxiety and over thinking.  I find myself worrying about the most trivial things on a daily basis.  I'm constantly thinking of things I can do better, or things I should be doing that I just can't bring myself to do. Like school work for example.  I am so completely unmotivated right now and can't seem to focus on anything at all.

I also can't seem to get out of this vicious cycle of self-loathing.  I feel like there's always this voice in my head telling me I look bad, or I'm not good enough for anything or anyone.  And I'm honestly starting to believe it.

Ok, well there's a lot more that I can write about, but I'm gonna keep it at this for now.

Good days and bad days

My mood has been fluctuating like crazy lately.  Last week kinda sucked, especially friday.  Everyone was ignoring me and being rude, and I literally felt invisible.  Even when I tried to talk or say something, it's like I wasn't there.

Thankfully I went home this past weekend, and I really had a good weekend.  Sunday was a really good day.  I ran/walked my first 5k and finished in 38 minutes.  I'm pretty damn proud of myself, especially because I never run.  The Third Eye Blind concert was fucking amazing too, and I got to hang out with a new group of friends.  They seemed to enjoy my company, which was nice.  I really needed that.

Even though I had a good weekend, I still feel shitty.  I've been feeling really bad about myself lately, and my anxiety has been really bad.  I'm always either anxious or depressed, and if I'm happy, my good moods never last long.  I have so much on my mind, and I haven't been sleeping well.  I've also had a really hard time focusing on anything.  I literally have to force myself to do homework, I'm so unmotivated.

I haven't seen him in a while, and I think about him everyday.  I wonder if he misses me like I miss him.

I just want this semester to be over.

My life is a fiasco and a sham

It really sucks to be in a place with so many people, but to feel so alone.

There was a lot that I was building up the entire week, and I was already unhappy. Then I got sick and everything just hit me.  I couldn't hold it in anymore, and I just broke down.  I realized I had nobody here who cared enough to check up on me. I felt so completely alone, away from my family and friends who actually give a shit about me. I had never wanted to be home so much in my entire life.

As me and one of my best friends always say, life is a cruel whore.  And it just keeps fucking me.

I need an escape

This week has kinda sucked so far.  I feel like there's 10 million things that I need to worry about and it's driving me insane.  Also I feel like this place is trying to drive me away.

I remember why I wanted to leave in the first place.  The behavior I've encountered by people lately has astonished me.  There are so many rude and irritating people, I can't stand it.

I just want to go home and be around people who I give a shit about, and they give a shit about me.

There are so many things that are up in the air right now.

And he's still on my mind constantly...

Can we go back to the start?

I can't stop thinking about him.  I only wonder if I cross his mind at all.  Part of me just wants to call him and confess what I'm feeling but I know I couldn't handle the rejection.

Why does this always happen to me? I'm dying to know how he feels about me, if anything.  Whenever I get these feelings for someone, I feel so vulnerable and fragile.  Like, if he did one little thing that would hint that he doesn't have feelings for me, I would be heartbroken.

I mean, it's not like a guy's never been nice to me, or flirted with me, but I feel like this is different for whatever reason.  I probably sound ridiculous.

I do believe in the phrase "you must love yourself before anyone else loves you" and I really don't love myself.  But I do feel like I have some things to offer.  I mean, he seems to enjoy my company and we get along really well.

I never knew how much of an impact this guy would have on me.
I wish I could just go back to the beginning of summer...

This love will be your downfall pt. 2

Well, I can't stop thinking about him.  I guess I really can't ignore my feelings forever.

He basically said he enjoys spending time with me.  I mean, I know we hit it off and we laugh a lot and get along well.  I can't possibly be over thinking it that much.  It's pretty obvious when you get along well with somebody.

It scares me though because 9 times out of 10 no guy I've had feelings for has had mutual feelings for me, so why would this time be any different?  Plus, there are so many girls out there who have more to offer than me so why would he choose me anyway?

What crosses the line between friendship and romantic interest? Is there something I should be looking for? Can you really tell how they feel about you by looking in their eyes?

Well, I guess things have a way of working out...

Moving too fast

Ok so I just realized I don't think I'll have a chill day at all this week since I'll be either working or doing something everyday; which I enjoy, but then I realized I move in this weekend and then classes start on fucking Monday.

Exactly one week from now. Where did the time go? I honestly need another month of summer. This is too much for me right now.

I don't even have a chance to let it sink in that I'm moving back to college, then I get there and classes start the next day... I already know I'm gonna be a mess. I tear up just thinking about it.

Like I'm anxious to see how this year's gonna go and I miss some people, but I'm gonna miss my friends from home a lot. And my family.

Also, I've been doing really well with working out and eating right. And I want to continue personal training, but I have to wait till I get back.

I feel like I'm just gonna breakdown.

This love will be your downfall

I really try to ignore my feelings when it comes to liking somebody because I usually end up hurt in the end.

I honestly can't deal with getting my heart broken anymore.  And like the sad thing is, is that to me the extent of it has been just really liking somebody and them not liking me back except for once.  Like it's not even a 'loved and lost' kind of situation. And it hurts even worse when you think there may be a chance they have mutual feelings for you.

But it still crushes me, because when I finally accept my feelings, I realize it was pointless.  And once you admit it to yourself, that's it; theres' no going back.

I wish I could just turn off my feelings.  Honestly one of the worst things is loving somebody when they don't feel even the slightest form of 'like' for you.  If that even makes any sense...

But I mean I really can't help how I feel unfortunately.  Something keeps telling me that I'm not making up this connection, like I suck at reading signals apparently.

Chemistry is chemistry though, and you can't make that shit up, right? I mean it's pretty obvious when you get along with someone and click with them, so wouldn't it be only natural that they feel the same way since at least for me, the way I act around someone is somewhat based off of how they are acting around me, right?

Oh, who knows...

Here's to that little sliver of hope that I might actually achieve what I've been longing for...

More anxiety

I feel myself falling back into this situation again.  I keep telling myself to stop thinking and stop feeling, but it's so not working.

I just...
ugh.

I don't want to get hurt again. I can't.

I've been so moody lately. My rare good moods don't last very long at all, and then I start thinking.
I feel worthless.

Think, think, think

Lately all I've been doing is thinking.

My mind is filled with so many thoughts, it's hard to focus on one thing.

I go back to school in a month, but that seems to be on the back burner of my mind. Anxiety creeps up on me every chance it gets.

A few good things though: I've been working out a lot. I work at a gym, so I really have no excuse anyway, but I had a personal training session and hopefully I'm gonna be able to do more! I really want to lose weight and get in shape, which will hopefully equal higher self esteem and confidence for me.

As far as relationships go, love can suck it. I keep holding out for "the right guy," but it hasn't worked out for me yet. I always have that little strand of hope that he'll come around, but I try not to get my hopes up, because too many times I've been hurt and it's getting old. I'm not desperate for a relationship by any means, I enjoy learning about myself and trying to improve certain things about me, but I think I'm definitely ready for one. I think I have a lot to offer, and I have a lot of love to give.

I'm just a girl trying to find my place in the world

Well, this is my first post. Obviously.

I've been meaning to start a blog for a while. Lately my thoughts are just so jumbled and I need to write them out.

I don't even know where to start. I guess you could say I'm pretty fucked up. I finished my freshman year of college in May and I can honestly say I've changed so much since last year. In some ways, for the better, in other ways, not so much.

I guess I'll start at the beginning:

I started off the school year excited and ready for a new beginning, hoping to meet different people and do different things. I definitely did both of those things, but things never really go as planned. Emotionally, I was in an ok state, a little nervous and scared, but I was ready to move on. I was excited to get the hell out of my house, and Baltimore.  I got to school and had a completely opposite reaction. I was extremely homesick and I didn't know if I was actually ready. College is a big adjustment of course, so I was assured by my family that this was a normal reaction. Eventually, I started getting used to everything and started finding my place. I had immediately hit it off with Sam, my roommate, as I thought I would, since we talked over the summer, and I started making friends.
Looking back now, I made some of the best friendships during this year.  Natt, Elisa, and Sam have gotten me through a lot this year and I love them so much.

Anyway, first semester ended up being pretty good, but I started liking this guy.

I'm gonna leave his name out for privacy purposes.  We got along well, and we started hanging out a lot. We had a lot in common, so naturally, we became friends.  Me being the over thinker I am, started to get the wrong idea and thought that there was a chance he liked me back. At least from my perspective, he was dropping hints, so with the rising hope that this might turn into something, I started to become more frantic.  I kept thinking to myself if I should say something, but the last thing I wanted was to be rejected and the make things awkward, so I kept silent and let things happen as they should.  Long story short, over winter break I realized nothing was going to happen, so I tried to move on with my life. 

Something changed during break, and I started acting differently. I guess you could say I was becoming depressed and anxious. I have dealt with anxiety in the past, but I thought I was getting over it. Being thrown into a situation like college really fucked up my emotional state. I got homesick every time I went back to school from a long break, and I found myself crying on the phone to my mom frequently. She assured me to keep pushing through it, and that things would get better. Unfortunately, as far as my anxiety goes, it didn't. By the end of the semester, I had a few anxiety attacks provoked by small, unimportant things.  Thankfully, I had my best friends there. They were always happy to let me vent to them, and it really helped, and I was always there for them.

Despite all this, I think second semester was better.  First semester, I was trying to live out this idea of what I thought my life was going to be like in college, and I may have seemed happier on the outside, but I was experiencing inner turmoil.  Second semester was more of a reality check.  I found out who my true friends were and I wasn't denying my feelings of unhappiness anymore.