I need an escape

This week has kinda sucked so far.  I feel like there's 10 million things that I need to worry about and it's driving me insane.  Also I feel like this place is trying to drive me away.

I remember why I wanted to leave in the first place.  The behavior I've encountered by people lately has astonished me.  There are so many rude and irritating people, I can't stand it.

I just want to go home and be around people who I give a shit about, and they give a shit about me.

There are so many things that are up in the air right now.

And he's still on my mind constantly...

Can we go back to the start?

I can't stop thinking about him.  I only wonder if I cross his mind at all.  Part of me just wants to call him and confess what I'm feeling but I know I couldn't handle the rejection.

Why does this always happen to me? I'm dying to know how he feels about me, if anything.  Whenever I get these feelings for someone, I feel so vulnerable and fragile.  Like, if he did one little thing that would hint that he doesn't have feelings for me, I would be heartbroken.

I mean, it's not like a guy's never been nice to me, or flirted with me, but I feel like this is different for whatever reason.  I probably sound ridiculous.

I do believe in the phrase "you must love yourself before anyone else loves you" and I really don't love myself.  But I do feel like I have some things to offer.  I mean, he seems to enjoy my company and we get along really well.

I never knew how much of an impact this guy would have on me.
I wish I could just go back to the beginning of summer...

This love will be your downfall pt. 2

Well, I can't stop thinking about him.  I guess I really can't ignore my feelings forever.

He basically said he enjoys spending time with me.  I mean, I know we hit it off and we laugh a lot and get along well.  I can't possibly be over thinking it that much.  It's pretty obvious when you get along well with somebody.

It scares me though because 9 times out of 10 no guy I've had feelings for has had mutual feelings for me, so why would this time be any different?  Plus, there are so many girls out there who have more to offer than me so why would he choose me anyway?

What crosses the line between friendship and romantic interest? Is there something I should be looking for? Can you really tell how they feel about you by looking in their eyes?

Well, I guess things have a way of working out...

Moving too fast

Ok so I just realized I don't think I'll have a chill day at all this week since I'll be either working or doing something everyday; which I enjoy, but then I realized I move in this weekend and then classes start on fucking Monday.

Exactly one week from now. Where did the time go? I honestly need another month of summer. This is too much for me right now.

I don't even have a chance to let it sink in that I'm moving back to college, then I get there and classes start the next day... I already know I'm gonna be a mess. I tear up just thinking about it.

Like I'm anxious to see how this year's gonna go and I miss some people, but I'm gonna miss my friends from home a lot. And my family.

Also, I've been doing really well with working out and eating right. And I want to continue personal training, but I have to wait till I get back.

I feel like I'm just gonna breakdown.

This love will be your downfall

I really try to ignore my feelings when it comes to liking somebody because I usually end up hurt in the end.

I honestly can't deal with getting my heart broken anymore.  And like the sad thing is, is that to me the extent of it has been just really liking somebody and them not liking me back except for once.  Like it's not even a 'loved and lost' kind of situation. And it hurts even worse when you think there may be a chance they have mutual feelings for you.

But it still crushes me, because when I finally accept my feelings, I realize it was pointless.  And once you admit it to yourself, that's it; theres' no going back.

I wish I could just turn off my feelings.  Honestly one of the worst things is loving somebody when they don't feel even the slightest form of 'like' for you.  If that even makes any sense...

But I mean I really can't help how I feel unfortunately.  Something keeps telling me that I'm not making up this connection, like I suck at reading signals apparently.

Chemistry is chemistry though, and you can't make that shit up, right? I mean it's pretty obvious when you get along with someone and click with them, so wouldn't it be only natural that they feel the same way since at least for me, the way I act around someone is somewhat based off of how they are acting around me, right?

Oh, who knows...

Here's to that little sliver of hope that I might actually achieve what I've been longing for...