I feel myself falling back into this situation again. I keep telling myself to stop thinking and stop feeling, but it's so not working.
I just...
ugh.
I don't want to get hurt again. I can't.
I've been so moody lately. My rare good moods don't last very long at all, and then I start thinking.
I feel worthless.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Think, think, think
Lately all I've been doing is thinking.
My mind is filled with so many thoughts, it's hard to focus on one thing.
I go back to school in a month, but that seems to be on the back burner of my mind. Anxiety creeps up on me every chance it gets.
A few good things though: I've been working out a lot. I work at a gym, so I really have no excuse anyway, but I had a personal training session and hopefully I'm gonna be able to do more! I really want to lose weight and get in shape, which will hopefully equal higher self esteem and confidence for me.
As far as relationships go, love can suck it. I keep holding out for "the right guy," but it hasn't worked out for me yet. I always have that little strand of hope that he'll come around, but I try not to get my hopes up, because too many times I've been hurt and it's getting old. I'm not desperate for a relationship by any means, I enjoy learning about myself and trying to improve certain things about me, but I think I'm definitely ready for one. I think I have a lot to offer, and I have a lot of love to give.
My mind is filled with so many thoughts, it's hard to focus on one thing.
I go back to school in a month, but that seems to be on the back burner of my mind. Anxiety creeps up on me every chance it gets.
A few good things though: I've been working out a lot. I work at a gym, so I really have no excuse anyway, but I had a personal training session and hopefully I'm gonna be able to do more! I really want to lose weight and get in shape, which will hopefully equal higher self esteem and confidence for me.
As far as relationships go, love can suck it. I keep holding out for "the right guy," but it hasn't worked out for me yet. I always have that little strand of hope that he'll come around, but I try not to get my hopes up, because too many times I've been hurt and it's getting old. I'm not desperate for a relationship by any means, I enjoy learning about myself and trying to improve certain things about me, but I think I'm definitely ready for one. I think I have a lot to offer, and I have a lot of love to give.
I'm just a girl trying to find my place in the world
Well, this is my first post. Obviously.
I've been meaning to start a blog for a while. Lately my thoughts are just so jumbled and I need to write them out.
I don't even know where to start. I guess you could say I'm pretty fucked up. I finished my freshman year of college in May and I can honestly say I've changed so much since last year. In some ways, for the better, in other ways, not so much.
I guess I'll start at the beginning:
I started off the school year excited and ready for a new beginning, hoping to meet different people and do different things. I definitely did both of those things, but things never really go as planned. Emotionally, I was in an ok state, a little nervous and scared, but I was ready to move on. I was excited to get the hell out of my house, and Baltimore. I got to school and had a completely opposite reaction. I was extremely homesick and I didn't know if I was actually ready. College is a big adjustment of course, so I was assured by my family that this was a normal reaction. Eventually, I started getting used to everything and started finding my place. I had immediately hit it off with Sam, my roommate, as I thought I would, since we talked over the summer, and I started making friends.
Looking back now, I made some of the best friendships during this year. Natt, Elisa, and Sam have gotten me through a lot this year and I love them so much.
I've been meaning to start a blog for a while. Lately my thoughts are just so jumbled and I need to write them out.
I don't even know where to start. I guess you could say I'm pretty fucked up. I finished my freshman year of college in May and I can honestly say I've changed so much since last year. In some ways, for the better, in other ways, not so much.
I guess I'll start at the beginning:
I started off the school year excited and ready for a new beginning, hoping to meet different people and do different things. I definitely did both of those things, but things never really go as planned. Emotionally, I was in an ok state, a little nervous and scared, but I was ready to move on. I was excited to get the hell out of my house, and Baltimore. I got to school and had a completely opposite reaction. I was extremely homesick and I didn't know if I was actually ready. College is a big adjustment of course, so I was assured by my family that this was a normal reaction. Eventually, I started getting used to everything and started finding my place. I had immediately hit it off with Sam, my roommate, as I thought I would, since we talked over the summer, and I started making friends.
Looking back now, I made some of the best friendships during this year. Natt, Elisa, and Sam have gotten me through a lot this year and I love them so much.
Anyway, first semester ended up being pretty good, but I started liking this guy.
I'm gonna leave his name out for privacy purposes. We got along well, and we started hanging out a lot. We had a lot in common, so naturally, we became friends. Me being the over thinker I am, started to get the wrong idea and thought that there was a chance he liked me back. At least from my perspective, he was dropping hints, so with the rising hope that this might turn into something, I started to become more frantic. I kept thinking to myself if I should say something, but the last thing I wanted was to be rejected and the make things awkward, so I kept silent and let things happen as they should. Long story short, over winter break I realized nothing was going to happen, so I tried to move on with my life.
Something changed during break, and I started acting differently. I guess you could say I was becoming depressed and anxious. I have dealt with anxiety in the past, but I thought I was getting over it. Being thrown into a situation like college really fucked up my emotional state. I got homesick every time I went back to school from a long break, and I found myself crying on the phone to my mom frequently. She assured me to keep pushing through it, and that things would get better. Unfortunately, as far as my anxiety goes, it didn't. By the end of the semester, I had a few anxiety attacks provoked by small, unimportant things. Thankfully, I had my best friends there. They were always happy to let me vent to them, and it really helped, and I was always there for them.
Despite all this, I think second semester was better. First semester, I was trying to live out this idea of what I thought my life was going to be like in college, and I may have seemed happier on the outside, but I was experiencing inner turmoil. Second semester was more of a reality check. I found out who my true friends were and I wasn't denying my feelings of unhappiness anymore.
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