Forever anxious

I'd like to start off by saying none of this is a cry for attention whatsoever.  It's just something I need to get off my chest to anyone who's willing to read.

Anyway, I would say I'm in a pretty dark place right now.  I don't quite know how to explain it, or if I even can.  I feel sad all the time, and when I'm doing something that I enjoy, it'll keep me somewhat happy for that amount of time but it's like that darkness is always following me.

I'm always just thinking.  Way too much.  My thoughts are jumbled in my head and I can't seem to get rid of them.  I could be the poster child for anxiety and over thinking.  I find myself worrying about the most trivial things on a daily basis.  I'm constantly thinking of things I can do better, or things I should be doing that I just can't bring myself to do. Like school work for example.  I am so completely unmotivated right now and can't seem to focus on anything at all.

I also can't seem to get out of this vicious cycle of self-loathing.  I feel like there's always this voice in my head telling me I look bad, or I'm not good enough for anything or anyone.  And I'm honestly starting to believe it.

Ok, well there's a lot more that I can write about, but I'm gonna keep it at this for now.

Good days and bad days

My mood has been fluctuating like crazy lately.  Last week kinda sucked, especially friday.  Everyone was ignoring me and being rude, and I literally felt invisible.  Even when I tried to talk or say something, it's like I wasn't there.

Thankfully I went home this past weekend, and I really had a good weekend.  Sunday was a really good day.  I ran/walked my first 5k and finished in 38 minutes.  I'm pretty damn proud of myself, especially because I never run.  The Third Eye Blind concert was fucking amazing too, and I got to hang out with a new group of friends.  They seemed to enjoy my company, which was nice.  I really needed that.

Even though I had a good weekend, I still feel shitty.  I've been feeling really bad about myself lately, and my anxiety has been really bad.  I'm always either anxious or depressed, and if I'm happy, my good moods never last long.  I have so much on my mind, and I haven't been sleeping well.  I've also had a really hard time focusing on anything.  I literally have to force myself to do homework, I'm so unmotivated.

I haven't seen him in a while, and I think about him everyday.  I wonder if he misses me like I miss him.

I just want this semester to be over.

My life is a fiasco and a sham

It really sucks to be in a place with so many people, but to feel so alone.

There was a lot that I was building up the entire week, and I was already unhappy. Then I got sick and everything just hit me.  I couldn't hold it in anymore, and I just broke down.  I realized I had nobody here who cared enough to check up on me. I felt so completely alone, away from my family and friends who actually give a shit about me. I had never wanted to be home so much in my entire life.

As me and one of my best friends always say, life is a cruel whore.  And it just keeps fucking me.