Early twenties crisis

I haven't posted in a while...

I can't believe summer has gone by so fast.  To be honest, I'm kinda ready for it to be over.  I start at Towson in a few weeks and I'm pretty excited.  It'll be a fresh start.  New major, new people, new environment.  I need that really badly.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much though.

I also can't believe I'm gonna be a junior in college. I'm in my twenties now so I'm supposed to act like an adult, right? It's weird.  Things in high school seemed so pointless and trivial. You spend your entire childhood wanting to grow up and when you turn 20 it's kind of a rude awakening.  Like I feel like I should still be a little kid.  Now I have to make major decisions like where I want to live, and careers.  As much as I love having the adult responsibilities I always wanted, I kinda want to be a carefree kid again, not having to worry about the things I do now.  I honestly don't know what the hell I'm doing. I still don't know how to write a check and how the fuck do you do taxes? Is it possible to have an early twenties crisis?


Well, here's to new beginnings and fresh starts.

Stuck

I always want what I can't have..but when I get a taste of what I want, I immediately reject it and push away.  I don't know why I do this.  I guess I really don't feel like I'm worthy of what I actually want.
If someone (mainly a guy) starts to talk to me and shows interest in me, I usually become distant because I find it hard to believe that they are genuinely interested in me.  I always feel like they don't really know me and they have this illusion of who they think I am, which seems like a way better person than I actually am.

I feel like I'm being stretched so many different ways.  I'm trying to please my parents and do well in school and fulfill my "adult" responsibilities.  I'm trying to please my therapist by thinking positively, and not letting this disorder control me, but that's just been fucking impossible lately. I'm trying to please society by fitting this mold of what a 19 year old girl is supposed to look like and act like. I'm trying to be a good friend and give advice.  I don't even know what makes me happy anymore and that's fucking sad.

Jumble of obsessive thoughts, sadness and anxiety

It's been a while since I've posted anything..

I've been in a dark place the past week especially.  My obsessive thoughts have been worse than ever I feel like, and it doesn't take much to set it off.  I've just had constant anxiety and sadness and I can't seem to shake it.  I'm so caught up in this vicious cycle of thinking and avoiding and acting that I'm mentally breaking down.
I can't ever just sit and relax.  Every decision I have to make is nearly impossible, even trivial things like what I want for breakfast.

I feel like I've mentally regressed back to where I was a few years ago, but worse. I always feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack and it really sucks especially in class.  I've been having trouble sleeping and I've found it difficult to focus on simple tasks and day to day activities.  And I can't even drive without obsessing over whether I have a flat tire and the tire is gonna blow out, or if I just accidentally ran a red light and I'm gonna get a ticket.

I also feel like I'm just stuck.  I need new people in my life and a new environment.  I really want to just pick up and move to another state or even country.  I need a fresh start.

I desperately want to spill my feelings out to somebody, but it's so hard to express in words. I try to talk to my parents but they don't understand.  And I mean, I don't blame them.  I don't think anybody could understand unless they were literally in my mind.

I just wish my thoughts would leave me the fuck alone.