The mind is a powerful thing

It honestly amazes me how the mind works.  Self-loathing is such a powerful thing and it takes a certain type of mindset to be good at it.  I know this from experience.

It's like a vicious cycle.  For me, one bad thing happens and everything turns to shit.  My main problem is mis-attribution.  For example, it's pretty much human nature to attribute something like a bad grade to the fact that the teacher sucks or they didn't teach you the material properly.  And I have been guilty of this.  But someone who thinks the way I do will start to attribute a bad grade to their convinced stupidity, which is what I find myself doing.

I could go on, but my point is that your mind is extremely powerful, and can convince you of anything. Good or bad..

Forever anxious

I'd like to start off by saying none of this is a cry for attention whatsoever.  It's just something I need to get off my chest to anyone who's willing to read.

Anyway, I would say I'm in a pretty dark place right now.  I don't quite know how to explain it, or if I even can.  I feel sad all the time, and when I'm doing something that I enjoy, it'll keep me somewhat happy for that amount of time but it's like that darkness is always following me.

I'm always just thinking.  Way too much.  My thoughts are jumbled in my head and I can't seem to get rid of them.  I could be the poster child for anxiety and over thinking.  I find myself worrying about the most trivial things on a daily basis.  I'm constantly thinking of things I can do better, or things I should be doing that I just can't bring myself to do. Like school work for example.  I am so completely unmotivated right now and can't seem to focus on anything at all.

I also can't seem to get out of this vicious cycle of self-loathing.  I feel like there's always this voice in my head telling me I look bad, or I'm not good enough for anything or anyone.  And I'm honestly starting to believe it.

Ok, well there's a lot more that I can write about, but I'm gonna keep it at this for now.

Good days and bad days

My mood has been fluctuating like crazy lately.  Last week kinda sucked, especially friday.  Everyone was ignoring me and being rude, and I literally felt invisible.  Even when I tried to talk or say something, it's like I wasn't there.

Thankfully I went home this past weekend, and I really had a good weekend.  Sunday was a really good day.  I ran/walked my first 5k and finished in 38 minutes.  I'm pretty damn proud of myself, especially because I never run.  The Third Eye Blind concert was fucking amazing too, and I got to hang out with a new group of friends.  They seemed to enjoy my company, which was nice.  I really needed that.

Even though I had a good weekend, I still feel shitty.  I've been feeling really bad about myself lately, and my anxiety has been really bad.  I'm always either anxious or depressed, and if I'm happy, my good moods never last long.  I have so much on my mind, and I haven't been sleeping well.  I've also had a really hard time focusing on anything.  I literally have to force myself to do homework, I'm so unmotivated.

I haven't seen him in a while, and I think about him everyday.  I wonder if he misses me like I miss him.

I just want this semester to be over.

My life is a fiasco and a sham

It really sucks to be in a place with so many people, but to feel so alone.

There was a lot that I was building up the entire week, and I was already unhappy. Then I got sick and everything just hit me.  I couldn't hold it in anymore, and I just broke down.  I realized I had nobody here who cared enough to check up on me. I felt so completely alone, away from my family and friends who actually give a shit about me. I had never wanted to be home so much in my entire life.

As me and one of my best friends always say, life is a cruel whore.  And it just keeps fucking me.

I need an escape

This week has kinda sucked so far.  I feel like there's 10 million things that I need to worry about and it's driving me insane.  Also I feel like this place is trying to drive me away.

I remember why I wanted to leave in the first place.  The behavior I've encountered by people lately has astonished me.  There are so many rude and irritating people, I can't stand it.

I just want to go home and be around people who I give a shit about, and they give a shit about me.

There are so many things that are up in the air right now.

And he's still on my mind constantly...

Can we go back to the start?

I can't stop thinking about him.  I only wonder if I cross his mind at all.  Part of me just wants to call him and confess what I'm feeling but I know I couldn't handle the rejection.

Why does this always happen to me? I'm dying to know how he feels about me, if anything.  Whenever I get these feelings for someone, I feel so vulnerable and fragile.  Like, if he did one little thing that would hint that he doesn't have feelings for me, I would be heartbroken.

I mean, it's not like a guy's never been nice to me, or flirted with me, but I feel like this is different for whatever reason.  I probably sound ridiculous.

I do believe in the phrase "you must love yourself before anyone else loves you" and I really don't love myself.  But I do feel like I have some things to offer.  I mean, he seems to enjoy my company and we get along really well.

I never knew how much of an impact this guy would have on me.
I wish I could just go back to the beginning of summer...

This love will be your downfall pt. 2

Well, I can't stop thinking about him.  I guess I really can't ignore my feelings forever.

He basically said he enjoys spending time with me.  I mean, I know we hit it off and we laugh a lot and get along well.  I can't possibly be over thinking it that much.  It's pretty obvious when you get along well with somebody.

It scares me though because 9 times out of 10 no guy I've had feelings for has had mutual feelings for me, so why would this time be any different?  Plus, there are so many girls out there who have more to offer than me so why would he choose me anyway?

What crosses the line between friendship and romantic interest? Is there something I should be looking for? Can you really tell how they feel about you by looking in their eyes?

Well, I guess things have a way of working out...