I always want what I can't have..but when I get a taste of what I want, I immediately reject it and push away. I don't know why I do this. I guess I really don't feel like I'm worthy of what I actually want.
If someone (mainly a guy) starts to talk to me and shows interest in me, I usually become distant because I find it hard to believe that they are genuinely interested in me. I always feel like they don't really know me and they have this illusion of who they think I am, which seems like a way better person than I actually am.
I feel like I'm being stretched so many different ways. I'm trying to please my parents and do well in school and fulfill my "adult" responsibilities. I'm trying to please my therapist by thinking positively, and not letting this disorder control me, but that's just been fucking impossible lately. I'm trying to please society by fitting this mold of what a 19 year old girl is supposed to look like and act like. I'm trying to be a good friend and give advice. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore and that's fucking sad.
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