Early twenties crisis

I haven't posted in a while...

I can't believe summer has gone by so fast.  To be honest, I'm kinda ready for it to be over.  I start at Towson in a few weeks and I'm pretty excited.  It'll be a fresh start.  New major, new people, new environment.  I need that really badly.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much though.

I also can't believe I'm gonna be a junior in college. I'm in my twenties now so I'm supposed to act like an adult, right? It's weird.  Things in high school seemed so pointless and trivial. You spend your entire childhood wanting to grow up and when you turn 20 it's kind of a rude awakening.  Like I feel like I should still be a little kid.  Now I have to make major decisions like where I want to live, and careers.  As much as I love having the adult responsibilities I always wanted, I kinda want to be a carefree kid again, not having to worry about the things I do now.  I honestly don't know what the hell I'm doing. I still don't know how to write a check and how the fuck do you do taxes? Is it possible to have an early twenties crisis?


Well, here's to new beginnings and fresh starts.

Stuck

I always want what I can't have..but when I get a taste of what I want, I immediately reject it and push away.  I don't know why I do this.  I guess I really don't feel like I'm worthy of what I actually want.
If someone (mainly a guy) starts to talk to me and shows interest in me, I usually become distant because I find it hard to believe that they are genuinely interested in me.  I always feel like they don't really know me and they have this illusion of who they think I am, which seems like a way better person than I actually am.

I feel like I'm being stretched so many different ways.  I'm trying to please my parents and do well in school and fulfill my "adult" responsibilities.  I'm trying to please my therapist by thinking positively, and not letting this disorder control me, but that's just been fucking impossible lately. I'm trying to please society by fitting this mold of what a 19 year old girl is supposed to look like and act like. I'm trying to be a good friend and give advice.  I don't even know what makes me happy anymore and that's fucking sad.

Jumble of obsessive thoughts, sadness and anxiety

It's been a while since I've posted anything..

I've been in a dark place the past week especially.  My obsessive thoughts have been worse than ever I feel like, and it doesn't take much to set it off.  I've just had constant anxiety and sadness and I can't seem to shake it.  I'm so caught up in this vicious cycle of thinking and avoiding and acting that I'm mentally breaking down.
I can't ever just sit and relax.  Every decision I have to make is nearly impossible, even trivial things like what I want for breakfast.

I feel like I've mentally regressed back to where I was a few years ago, but worse. I always feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack and it really sucks especially in class.  I've been having trouble sleeping and I've found it difficult to focus on simple tasks and day to day activities.  And I can't even drive without obsessing over whether I have a flat tire and the tire is gonna blow out, or if I just accidentally ran a red light and I'm gonna get a ticket.

I also feel like I'm just stuck.  I need new people in my life and a new environment.  I really want to just pick up and move to another state or even country.  I need a fresh start.

I desperately want to spill my feelings out to somebody, but it's so hard to express in words. I try to talk to my parents but they don't understand.  And I mean, I don't blame them.  I don't think anybody could understand unless they were literally in my mind.

I just wish my thoughts would leave me the fuck alone.

Expectations and realities

If I've learned anything the past year and a half of being in college, it's that I shouldn't automatically assume the best of some people and that they have good intentions.  I've learned that I shouldn't be so quick to open up to people who I think are my friends. I've never really had trust issues, but some experiences that I've had with certain people this year have led me to start keeping people at a distance. I've always given people the benefit of the doubt, even if they don't deserve it.  I guess it's just my personality?

But something weird I've noticed is that sometimes I assume the worst of people and they actually turn out to be pretty cool once I get to know them.  I feel like a lot of people do this, and it just reiterates the whole 'don't judge a book by its cover' thing.



I don't know.  I just think it's weird how life works that way.  Expectations and disappointments. If you expect too much, you end up getting disappointed.  If you don't expect much at all, you end up being pleasantly surprised.

Expectations are usually different than reality.  The scene in 500 Days of Summer,  where they show one side as Tom's expectations of how his re-encounter with Summer is going to be, and they simultaneously show his reality on the other side has always stuck out to me so much because I feel like I can really relate to it.

But why is it that our expectations generally don't match up with our realities?

Acknowledgment

Ok is it really such a crime to want to be acknowledged once in a while? I feel like I put enough effort into being nice to people and I get barely anything in return.
A "how was your weekend?" or "how are you?" would be nice. Is that too much to ask?

Things that have been going through my mind lately

-I hate everything.

-I hate everyone.

-I hate myself.

-I fucking love food, I need to keep eating even though I’m not hungry.

-Holy shit I’m fat, I need to stop eating completely.

-I need to get my shit together.

-I have a million things to do for school. Not doing any of it until the last minute.

-I want to go home.

-I miss everybody at home, but I feel like they don’t miss me.

-Stop looking at me.

-Stop talking to me.

Oh hello there anxiety and depression what up.

If only you knew what goes on inside my head..

I'm convinced you came into my life for a reason.  Maybe you don't feel the same way I do, but there's just something about you.  I hate being in this situation.  I just really want to get to know you.  I wish I was carefree and had the balls to say something but I just really don't.  It would kill me to find out that you don't feel for me what I feel for you.

It's highly unlikely that you do, and I try so so hard not to get my hopes up but the hopeless romantic in me just won't let go.  That little voice in my head saying "maybe he does miss you and maybe he's wondering how you feel about him" contradicts my realistic voice saying "there's no way, you know this happens every time, just give up." Even though my realistic voice is predominant, that other voice can't seem to let go.

I know what's meant to be will be; but how many things aren't meant to be? If that makes any sense..
Whenever I've gotten into this situation and when it doesn't work out I'm always just like alright well I guess it wasn't meant to be...  But how many times can that happen? I'm honestly fucking tired of it.



Maybe I'm just over thinking everything.